


No One Can Reach Me!

by Mvurie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Fanfiction, M/M, felix - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28853781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mvurie/pseuds/Mvurie
Summary: 2 students, 1 dorm.A past and a future.Changbin is a playboy who brings girls into his dorm room while his roommate is still there.Felix is the roommate who witnesses it all with indifference.But there is more…There is a past, with a line dividing their room into two,A line they would not cross.But there is a future and in the future everything can change.You can also find this story on wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/mvurie
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

*Rated M: This story contains smut*  
*Trigger Warning: This story contains mention of bullying, suicide and psychological trauma.*

Updates Every Thursday!


	2. Boundaries

There is a boundary that is impossible to cross, a white line to separate our life’s.

Felix sat on his bed; his arms wrapped around his legs. His attention focussed on his book while he slowly bobbed his head to the music that was blasting in his ears through his. As usual he put his headphone on full volume, drowning out all the other sounds in the room. His back is turned to the centre off the room, blocking out everything that was happening on the other bed. He became used to it, ignoring what is happening not even 3 meters away. With his back turned, his eyes on a book, he did not have to see it. With his headphones on he did not have to hear it. The buzzing of his phone caught his attention. He looked at the text message before letting out a sigh, taking of his headphones and without turning his head to the other side of the room he walked to the door. When he opened it, revealing his friend Jisung standing there. Jisung only had to peek one look into the room before turning bright red, taking a step back. “Ah… I’m sorry… I was just wondering if I could borrow your English notes…” The poor guy mumbled as he stared at the floor trying to ignore the scene that was going on behind Felix.

Felix let out a sigh moving back to his desk to grab some papers before getting out of his own dorm room, closing the door behind him. To protect Jisung’s innocent eyes. He gave the guy a smile, waving the notes in front of his face. “This is the only reason you ever come looking for me, huh? To borrow my English notes.” Instead of trying to grab the notes his friend frowned at him. Felix put the notes down. “What?” Jisung shook his head. “Felix this is not okay, you can’t just let him bring girls to the room every time.” Felix shrugged; he was used to it by now. For the past months his roommate has brough a girl into their room almost every night. As if, thinking about the man summoned him, the door of their dorm room, opened up revealing a shirtless Changbin. “You guys talking about me?” Changbin moved in closer, putting an arm around Felix his shoulder. A shiver ran down his back as he felt Changbin’s breath on his neck.

“If it isn’t our campus newly announced playboy” Jisung muttered with an unamused face as he looked at Changbin. “That’s mean” He replied as he leaned further against Felix his back, pouting at the squirrel guy in front of him. Jisung just crossed his arms frowning “You bring girls to your dorm room to fool around, not even caring If your roommate is there or not… that’s sick… and you Felix…” Felix looked up in shock trying to ignore the warm naked chest of the man who was pressing against him from behind. “You just stay inside… you say nothing while he keeps bringing in girls… doing who knows what in that bed… no wait that’s wrong... you know what he does because you are there.” Felix just shrugs before elbowing Changbin, pushing him away. He didn’t care, that is what he always told himself. He did not care what Changbin did, not even when he did it in their shared room. He pushed his English notes in Jisung’s hand “Whatever he does… it’s none of my concern.” His expression was blank and his voice emotionless as he turned around and moved back into the room. Not even glancing at the girl in the other bed as he sat back on his own putting his headphones back on, closing himself off from the world again.

Jisung was left standing there in the frame of the open door, his face filled with disbelief. Changbin grinned and shrugged taking a few steps back into the room. “He is just indifferent to his own surroundings, he doesn’t care about anything or anyone, what can you do about it?” He spoke, his voice obviously mocking Felix his friend. He gave Jisung a wave before giving a small pull on the door, letting it fall shut. When he turned around he faced the girl on his bed, begging him to come back. He quickly jumped back into bed.

The girl pointed at something and Changbin nodded. “Hey Felix…” He threw a pillow at the Felix, when he wouldn’t respond his music drowning out the sounds in the room. When Felix looked up, he slowly removed his headphones “Help me out will you? Can you pass me back that lipstick?” Changbin said as he pointed at the lipstick that had rolled over the white line in their room. Felix stared at it for a moment before slowly moving off the bed, grabbing the lipstick from his side of the room and throwing it back to Changbin, receiving a bright smile. “Thank you.” he said happily as he handed it back to the girl. Felix just rolled his eyes moving back to his own bed, while Changbin’s full attention had returned to girl.

He put his headphones back on but instead of turning around, he stared at that white line for a bite longer. That thin white line in the middle of their dorm room, it showed the boundaries. They made a promise that they would never cross that thin white line to the other side of the room. They would not step into the others territory. He let out a sigh and let himself fall face forward into his pillow. Blocking the outside world till it was only him, only him and his music. With a swift move he pulled the blankets over his head, engulfing himself in complete darkness. It’s alright… As long as I have my back to them, I won’t see anything… As long as I have my headphones on, I won’t hear anything. Their raw heat will diffuse before it gets to me… it’s alright

No one can reach me

❣ Author Note ❣

Hello... I am back with another story. This one is going to be a short one compared to my other two stories, 10 chapters long.

Please tell me what you think!


	3. Longing

The next day Felix and Jisung decided to eat their lunch on the roof, leaning against the railing and watching as the students moved below like little ants. “Ah there he goes again, and what a surprise, it’s a new girl hanging on his arm. How many does that make this month?” Jisung mutters as he points down, Felix followed the line of his finger, only to see his roommate with yet another girl. “I knew he was a bit of a playboy, but I don’t remember him being such a lascivious jerk.” Jisung shook his head “Really what has gotten into him these past few months? He wasn’t always like this. Do you know what is going on in that head of his, did something happen?” Jisung turned to Felix, who was still staring at his roommate below. “Weren’t you guys extremely close before?” Felix finally looked up, staring into Jisungs eyes for a moment before leaning back against the railing looking up at the sky. “Changbin and I are just roommates, nothing more and nothing less. Besides, isn’t it disgusting when guys are extremely close together all the time?” He sighed staring up at the clouds.

After their lunch time was over, he waved goodbye to Jisung. He put his headphones back on while making his way across the campus to the library. He quickly god lost in his own thoughts. He was bad at dealing with other people, living in a dorm was hell for him and having a roommate always kind off unsettled him. He has had different roommates over a long period of time, all of them unsettled him. Living together meant that you were automatically involved, Felix did not want to be involved with anyone. Even his friends he kept on a safe arm length distance. He sat down at his favourite spot in the library, a small table in the back, next to the window. He turned the volume of his headphones louder, to close himself off from the world around him and closed his eyes, laying his head on his arms. Drowsiness slowly drifting over him, and as the music continued on in his ears, he finally fell asleep.

_By blocking all off the sounds around me… will I finally be at peace?_

_By closing my eyes to the world around me… will I finally be able to rest?_

At that exact same time just outside the window, walked Changbin holding hands with a girl. “Really can I come over? Are you sure your roommate will be okay with that?” Changbin laughed softly shaking his head. “It’s fine… he doesn’t really care, besides nothing that can happen that will change how things are between him and me.” He turned to look at the girl but saw something familiar through the window behind her. “Speak of the devil…” He mumbled under his breath. He untangled his hand from the girls and gave her a little wave. “I will see you tonight okay?” He smiled before walking away from her, moving closer to the window. He watched the sleeping figure for a moment. A hint of sadness on his face, as his eyes filled with longing. 

Felix rubbed his eyes, yawning slightly as he woke up. Looks like he ended up falling asleep. It was already dark outside and most of the lights in the library had been shut off as well. “It is long past closing time…” He heard a voice, echoing through the silent library. It gave him a fright and he quickly looked around, the moment he spotted his roommate he quickly stood up slamming his hand on the table. Changbin was leaning back in a chair staring at him with a smirk on his lips. Felix just looked at him, eyes bright and breathing fast. “Did you sleep well? You’ve been having some trouble sleeping lately, haven’t you?” Felix gave the man a glare but before he could respond Changbin continued on “I had to borrow the key from the librarian, we should return it shouldn’t we?” He played with the key in front of Felix his face. The glare disappeared and an expression that could only compare to that of a kicked puppy entered his face. He lowered his head as he nodded, not speaking as he followed behind Changbin to return the key. Felix remained silent the whole way to the librarian’s office and the whole way back to the dorm. Staring at Changbin’s back.

_Don’t be like this… Stop it…. Stop acting nice to me…_

Changbin opened the door to their dorm room, stepping aside with a small bow, to let Felix pass. Felix reluctantly walked past the other into the dorm room, immediately turning around again looking at him with wide eyes. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Changbin said still smiling at him. Felix opened his mouth to answer but got interrupted by some girl climbing through the hallways window behind Changbin. She smiled as she made her way down the hallway “Changbinnie!! I am here… I came…” Both of them turned to watch the girl. “Ah… you came!” Changbin responded with a hint of disappointment. Felix stared for a moment his mind completely empty, he just moved on instinct and slammed the door shut, locking both him and Changbin inside their room, with the girl on the other side. He pressed his forehead against the cold door. Why did he do that? “What was that for?” Changbin sounded annoyed behind him, annoyed enough to jump start Felix his brain again. “You should stop this…” Felix said as he turned around to look at Changbin, his face was once again void of any emotion.

“What if the dorm supervisors find out that you are bringing girls back to the male dorm room, or the teachers.” Changbin frowned shaking his head “You said before that it was none of your business, right? That I could do whatever I want? So, what gives you the right to start complaining now. You never seemed to have any troubles with it before. Oh! But you probably talked with Jisung didn’t you, and now you are scared that you will get dragged down with me if people find out. Don’t worry, I won’t get you involved in this…” Changbin moved to push Felix aside and get to the door but Felix held his ground. “That is not what I mean…” Felix almost shouted a frown on his face, but he still couldn’t look at Changbin’s face, his eyes wandering everywhere around the room, except for his face.

“If you keep this up, you will get into trouble…” Felix spoke softly, his voice almost a whisper. Changbin snorted “How sly of you… waiting this long, not saying anything all this time, and now you suddenly get worried about me?” Changbin’s face turned angry, he placed a hand on Felix his chest, pressing him back against the door. “You are the reason I am doing this; you realise that right? I am like this because of you!” There was so much anger in his voice as he grabbed Felix his arms. Felix his breathing turned heavy as Changbin pushed him harder into the wall. They stared at each for a moment before Changbin closed the distance crashing their lips together. The kiss started rough, their lips moving against each other with hunger. Felix started to become dizzy. Changbin’s soft lips moving against his own, his body trembling, his hands moving up to the other biceps, squeezing them tight. He parted his lips slightly as he felt Changbin’s tongue against them, willingly to open himself up, letting Changbin in, Changbin who was leading the kiss, devouring him. His eyes closed as the last piece of resistance slowly left his body giving himself completely to the kiss, Changbin his hands move into his hair pushing the headphones off, the headphones that had been on his head the entire time, the drop of the headphones was the wakeup call Felix needed. He bit down on Changbin’s lips, pushing him away, quickly moving past him to the middle off the room, trying to escape the man’s grasp.

As on cue the door, finally free of any blockage, opened slowly, the girl from before peaking her head in. “Changbin, can I come in?” Changbin stood there his hand covering his mouth, his lip bleeding from where Felix had bitten down while Felix just stared at the floor. The girl just looked between them “Is everything alright?” Changbin gave her a smile, wiping the blood off his lips “Yeah we are good, thank you for coming by, I was waiting for you.” Changbin moved to the girl, his hand stroking through her hair.

Felix looked around the room, his headphones he had to find his headphones. _Hurry… I’ve got to… Cover up my ears…_

“Yong.” Felix eyes widened at the name Changbin spoke. “I was so lonely this evening, having you here makes it all better…” His words sounded sweet, laced with honey. The girl seemed to melt in his arms “You mean it?” She sounded so hopefully “Yes so let me hold you Yong.”

Felix started to panic, Changbin was going too far, he ran to the door and ran out of the room, slamming it close with a bang. He ran down the hallway. Leaving Jackson with the girl, leaving it all behind. He had to go, he had to run. He stayed out all night, not caring what the next day would bring.

“Hey, did you hear about Changbin, He asked Mina Yong to his room”  
“Really?... that’s so unfair… I want to be invited to his room; I am way prettier than Mina Young.”

_STOP…_

“Goodluck with that… we all know that he only invited girls with either Yong or Bok in their name… its weird.”

_PLEASE STOP!!_


	4. When they first met

**Chapter 03: When they First Met**

❢ Flashback 1 year ago ❢

Felix walked into the dorm holding a stack of papers, this was the third time he was changing his roommate in 3 months. Hopefully this one would be better than the previous two. Not like it was their fault, they just wanted to become friends with him, it was Felix that wanted to keep them distant. Then they got annoyed with him and in the end, they would end up requesting him to leave, for no other reason, than thay he just wasn’t interested in interacting with them. He stopped at the end of the hallway a few feet from his new dorm room. In front of his door, there was a guy standing. He already had a bad feeling about this. With a sigh he moved closer, letting out a small cough to get the guys attention. The guy turned around, staring him up and down in a way that made the hairs on his arms stand up, though not in a bad way. The guy was handsome, and let off a dark aura that pulled Felix in. “Lee YongBok?” The guy asked and Felix nodded. “Everyone calls me Felix though…” The guy opened the door allowing Felix to step inside the room. “If everyone calls you Felix, can I then call you YongBok?”

Felix stepped in the room, dropping his suitcase on one of the beds before turning around to face the other with a frown. “I would prefer it, if you would call me Felix, just like everyone else.” The guy pouted as he sat down on his own bed. “But it’s boring if everyone calls you that, I am your roommate from now on am I not… that makes me special.” Felix frowned. “I don’t even know your name.”

“Ah sorry, my name is Seo Changbin. Because we will be roommates from now on, I really hope that we can get along… what do you say? YongBokkie?”

That is how they first met. Felix who always wanted to stay away from people, who did not want to get close to anyone, who switched three times because his roommates tried to be his friends and tried to poke to many holes in his personal bubble. He stayed in that room, with a guy that slowly worked his way into his heart.

They both enjoyed the time they lived together; they would often spend their evenings sitting around the little table they had in the centre of their room. Laughing and joking with each other. Sometimes drinking, sometimes playing games, sometimes with friends joining. But most of the time it was just the two of them.

It was one of those evenings, sitting together around that little table laughing, that Felix said “It is so much fun to hang out with you… I’ve never had a lot of close friends, or a roommate I could hand out with.” Changbin gave him a caring smile flicking the other his forehead. “If you would smile more like that and actually talk to people, I am sure you will make lots of friends and you don’t need me anymore.” Felix just shook his head “I don’t need more friends; you are the only one who understands me… you are enough.” Felix and Changbin stared at each other for a moment. It was Changbin who moved in, slowly pressing his lips against the others. Felix his eyes widened. Changbin pulled away after a short moment, Felix couldn’t stop staring at him. “Do you even know what kind of expression you are wearing right now?” Changbin’s voice sounded deep and husky, his hand moving up to Felix his cheek, making him look up. “YongBok… you like me… right?”

His thumb moved Felix his cheek as he leaned in again, pressing their lips together once more. Slowly pushing Felix down till he was laying on the floor, hovering slightly over him. “It is so obvious… you like me…” Changbin kissed down slightly, pressing his lips to Felix his neck. His hands moved down slowly moving into Felix his shirt. He could feel his roommate’s hands roaming his body, how his body reacted to those hands. Changbin’s hands were warm against this skin. He wanted to give in, but not like this. Felix his own hands moved up, pushing against Changbin’s shoulder. “No… stop… not like this.” He hated how weak his voice sounded, how his hands trembled, how he couldn’t push the other away. “Then how...?” Changbin’s voice was calm compared to his, his fingers brushing over Felix his nipples, making him gasp. Changbin moved his hands away sitting up between Felix his legs, his hands moving to pull off his own shirt. Felix stared at the others chest, his hands wanting to reach out and touch the male before him.

“Aren’t you feeling everything so strongly…” Changbin’s hand moved down, between Felix his legs “Especially here…” Felix groaned, his head falling back. “No…” the rejection sounded pathetic even in his own ears. Changbin’s hand moved up stroking his cheek. “YongBok…” With those words Changbin leaned down again, capturing his lips, and Felix let him. Felix let him have his way with him.

It was only later when Felix laid curled up and naked under his blankets. Jackson was sitting there on the floor, his back against the bed. They had their back to each other, not daring to look in each other’s face.

_I only wanted to stay by his side… have someone to stay by my side. It should have been enough if we just stayed friends… now, soon… he will leave me… like everyone leaves me._

“Yong…” Changbin started, but Felix cut him off. “Shut up… don’t call me that ever again. Stay away… just leave me alone.” His voice was trembling. Why was his voice trembling? was it anger? Anxiety? Fear? Felix didn’t know. He was scared to know… to care…

_The moment people started to love him, was always the beginning of the end._

The next morning Felix had requested to move out, but all the rooms had been taken. He had to stay in his room till the end of the year. When he returned to the room Changbin had been sitting on his bed. Trying to talk to him, trying to approach him. Felix started to escape, tried to stay out of the room as much as possible. Sometimes even sleeping the nights in the hallway just to avoid his roommate. It was Changbin who eventually brought the white tape. Putting a line in the middle of the room. That way Felix could stay in the room. He brought the tape as a way to get closer again, if Felix came back into the room, eventually he would open up again. They would be close again. But he was wrong. Both of them respected the boundaries of the line never crossing it, even though Changbin tried everything to get Felix his attention again, but when nothing worked, he grew desperate.

He stared to bring girls to their room, girls whose names where similar to the person he loved. 

❢ End Flashback ❢


	5. The Cold

_I won’s ask you to commit to being in a relationship with me, so I beg you… please do not dig up… my feelings for you, which I try so hard to hide._

Felix sat curled up next to the water, whenever he panicked, he would always run to the water. He had tried so hard to block out everything that happened in his dorm room at night, this night he failed, and he ended up running away. His hands wrapped around his legs, hiding his face in them. It was a cold evening, and he was shivering, his arms wrapping tighter around himself to preserve a bit of warmth. Even though the door was open there was no heating in the school pool. How long has it been since he came here? Since he sat down next to the water, on the cold stone? He did not know.

Some people say that when they look back at their past, it brings them a lot of joy, Felix was not one of these people.   
Other people said that they live in the future, to be able to welcome happiness with open arms, Felix did not care about his future  
  
And then there are people that like to live in the current time, because they enjoy their current bliss, Felix did not feel any bliss, or happiness, or joy.   
  
He often wondered when his time for happiness would come, but sitting here in the cold, he wondered if his happiness would come at all.

He looked up, staring at the blue water. Slowly pushing himself forward until he reached the edge, letting himself fall over it. The cold water hitting his skin. Closing his eyes as he let himself sink at the bottom. _“I’m sorry for loving you…”_ The voice echoed in his head. He curled up under the water, softly crying. He stayed under water until his lungs burned, before kicking himself up from the bottom of the pool. As soon as his face hit the surface, he took a deep breath, inhaling the cold air. He swam to the edge of the pool, climbing out to take his position back on the edge, curling up in himself on the edge. “You did not deserve this…” He whispered to himself.

“Hey, I was looking everywhere for you.” Felix his body shivered, recognising the voice instantly. “It’s already late, and it’s getting colder by the minute. Let’s go inside?” Felix did not react, he tightened his arms around his legs and kept his face down, hidden from anyone to see. “Wait, why are you wet?” He could not react to the man, because he could not control his own emotions. It scared him that he was not in control, that he did not know what he would do if he let go if his legs, so he stayed there on the floor, curled up and hidden from the world, waiting and willing for the other to disappear again. “Felix, please come back… you might catch a cold if you stay out here.” His voice sounded desperate and hurt. Hurt enough that Felix felt the pain in his own heart.

He felt how a hand reached out and moved into his hair, touching the soft strands. Slowly he turned his face upwards and looked straight into the eyes of Changbin, eyes that were so close to his own, eyes filled with worry. He quickly turned his head away from the others touch, standing up from the cold grounds, his limps stiff from the cold. He did not look at the man before him, he just stared at the pavement.

_There will always be a line between us that I can never cross._

There was a soft smile on Changbin’s lips as he reached out a hand, a smile that Felix could not see, but a hand that just moved in his line of vision. “let’s go.” Felix stared at it for a while, being tempted to take it but deciding to walk back to the dorm on his own. When he reached the dorm, he wanted to move straight to his bed, but he was wet and cold. He grabbed a towel and made his way to the communal showers. Walking straight past Changbin ignoring him as he quickly moved under the shower, turning up the heat. The hot water burned his skin, it hurt him, but it distracted him from the pain inside. When he finally turned off the water, his skin was bright red. He quickly walked back to his dorm room, leaving wet footprints down the hallways. When he reached the room Changbin was still awake, but he ignored him, quickly making his way into his bed, pulling the covers up to hide himself. He curled up, his body still in pain from the hot water, trembling. He remembered the coldness of the water; it was almost as cold as that night.

_We found a body…_

_Felix look away…_

_What have you done…?_


	6. Sleepless Nights

Felix let out a soft moan, his back arching into the touch of the hands roaming his body. He was biting his lips to keep the sounds inside while skilled hands moved over his bare chest, while those addicting lips captured his own again. Felix groaned softly against the other his lips, moving them eagerly. The kiss growing rougher and more heated, teeth clashing. Felix moves his hand up in the man’s hair, as he kisses down Felix his neck, going south down his bare chest. Two hands slowly pushing his knees apart, spreading him wide before they find their way to the middle, palming his crotch. A load moan escapes his lips, quickly moving his own hands to cover them, biting down. The button of his pants gets undone with a small pop, he opened his eyes staring down at that handsome face. A shiver ran down his body as he saw the man smirk. “Touch me more… please.” His voice sounded hoarse and distant, like he was floating somewhere far away. He did not care that he sounded needy he just wanted more. But instead of getting more the man slowly disappeared into the shadows.

“Ugh…” Felix sat up; his body was covered in sweat. He moved his hands through his hair as he stared down at his sheets, knowing what was hiding under there. What was wrong with him, it was just a dream, just a bad dream of something he wanted to forget. “What did you dream off?” Changbin’s voice shook Felix awake from his own thoughts. “You are soaked in sweat, and you kept moaning…” Felix stared at him, obviously Changbin wanted to say more and tease him but he wisely kept his mouth shut, instead he held out his water bottle. “I drank out of it, but would you like some?” Felix turned to his nightstand; his own bottle was empty. Turning back, he looked at his roommate. Changbin was standing on his own side of the line, leaning against the window frame, the window was slightly opened, letting in a soft breeze that played with his hair. He was still holding the water bottle out for him “Go ahead, take it…”

A smirk grew on Changbin’s face as Felix still did not move. He threw the water bottle over the white line in their room. The white line that divided their lives and kept them separate, the white line they had decided on that they would never cross. Felix catches the bottle, still looking at Changbin as he took of the cap and gulped the remaining water down eagerly. He felt the tickle of the cold water sliding down his chin, down his neck. He kept his eyes on Changbin and saw that the man was following the drops of water with his stare. It felt like the man was undressing him with his eyes, and it reminded Felix of the wet dream he had only moments ago, the room was getting hot, and Felix found it increasingly more difficult to breath. The suffocating heat was becoming unbearable. It felt like all the nerves in Felix his skin were extra sensitive. After he finished the water, he threw the empty bottle back laying back down in his bed, ignoring Changbin. And just like that, the moment, whatever it was, had ended.

❢ Flashback 1 year ago ❢

Felix was sitting with his group of friends in the cafeteria, picking at his food. “Hey Felix.” Felix turned around to see two girls walking past them, one of them giving him a small wave and a smile. Felix responded with a nod and a smile. When the two girls had past, them it was Jisung who almost jumped over the table at him “You know Sana from class 2-B?” His eyes were wide with shock. Felix nodded “We lived in the same neighbourhood, when we were children we would often play together.” Jisung looked at him excitedly “Can you introduce me to her, I mean she is the prettiest girl in the school. I would love to get to know her.” Minho threw a piece of carrot at Jisung. “I thought you liked Momo.” Jisung shrugged “Sana is friends with Momo, if I can get to know Sana, then maybe I can get to know Momo.”

Minho just rolled his eyes, but Jisung turned his attention to Felix. “What about you?” He looked up shocked at his friend. “What about me?” He tilted his head looking at the other. “We have been at this school for a while now… is there anyone you like?” Felix let out a small laugh, a blush on his cheeks. “Changbin… maybe?” The words slipped his lips before he could stop himself. “WHAT?!” his friends scream could be heard through the entire cafeteria.

_The words had come carelessly from my mouth, but they quickly reminded me. It was not something I could share with others._

“I… I am joking, just joking” Felix said, with a fake laugh. His friend let out a breath sitting back down. “Oh man, you scared me for a second.”

_That must always be kept hidden within my heart, I have to forget about it and continue living a reclusive life. I cannot fall in love, everything I love will slowly sink in the water and die. I break everything I touch._

“Felix! There you are!” Felix looked up and saw Jackson walking towards him and his group of friends, when he reached them, he dropped his plate of food on the table and leaned against Felix his back, hugging him from behind. His friends gave him a weird look and he just quickly shrugged. Changbin was just like this, touchy with people. Nobody should get the wrong idea; it was just a friendly gesture. Changbin was nice to everyone. Felix was not special.

After lunch Felix quickly excused himself, making his way to the pool. Even though he was not a member of the swimming club, the captain would often let him use the pool when it was not busy. He quickly got changed and dove into the water. He realised he was getting too comfortable around his friends; he was becoming too trusting. He should take a step back.

_How could he have slipped up like that. How could he have been so careless. He could not share this with others, he could not let anyone find out the truth about him. His heart should always stay hidden. People should not get to close, if people got to close, he would get hurt, or worse they would get hurt._

After a few laps he got the sign that the pool was closing. He quickly got out of the water, looking up he saw his friend standing there, holding out a towel. “Hey…” Felix took the towel wrapping himself up in it. “Hey.” He gave the man a smile. “Look I just wanted to say, remember when you said at lunch, about who you liked…” Felix stopped moving, nodding slowly. “Yeah... It was just a joke… don’t worry about it.” He continued walking past him to the dressing room, but Jisung followed him “I know, you said that… but just so you know… the reason I was shocked… why I said you scared me, it was not because you said you liked a guy… you know even if it was a joke or not, I am cool with that. It was just because you said you liked Changbin, I mean he has always been a bit of a playboy. So, I guess I was just surprised it was him.” Felix turned to look at him. “It was a joke Jisung, don’t worry about it. Changbin was just the first name that popped up in my head.” He gave the man a pat on the shoulder before taking his clothes from his locker. “I like girls, just like you. It was a stupid joke, don’t worry about it.”

_There was a white line, he could not cross._


	7. Enough is Enough

The next morning, Felix sat in the classroom, his head popped up in his hand as he was staring out the window. “You were invited to Changbin’s room?” Felix let out a sigh as he overheard the girls talking behind him. So, he invited another one. “Shhh, not so loud…” The girl responded and Felix rolled his eyes, yes please keep it down, the gossiping of you two is disturbing my peace, he thought as he closed his eyes again. “Isn’t its kind of dangerous… you know… going into the boy’s dormitory and all?” Yes, it is dangerous so don’t come, Felix thought as he could still hear the conversation between the girls even if they were whispering now.“To be honest… I am a little scared, but Changbin said it had to be me.” He just wanted to turn around and yell at them that Changbin said that to every single girl, as long as the name was right.

_The sharp pain in my chest is rendering me incapable of rendering my emotions._

An audible laugh left his lips, he quickly had to cover his mouth to keep the chuckling silent. “What’s so funny?” The two girls turned to him, they seemed frightened by Felix his laugh.” A confident smirk formed on his lips as he stretched out slightly before tapping his chin while looking at them. “Nothing… I just can’t stand how naïve you are… Changbin will ask out any girl, as long as they have the right name.” He sounded confident and mean, and he had no idea where it was coming from. It was like something had snapped inside of him. He was never rude or mean to anyone, he barely talked to people he did not know. He just couldn’t stop it anymore, there were so many feelings locked up inside of him.“I suggest that you will not overestimate you own worth; you’ll just end up getting hurt.” Felix watched as the girl’s friend stood up glaring at him. “Asshole.” She spat at him. “Let’s go...” She grabbed her friends’ hand and pulled her away, out of the classroom. It should hurt him, being called an asshole, he has never been called an asshole before, because he never behaved like one, but it didn’t. It didn’t hurt, he just felt empty inside, emotionless.

“Wow, don’t you think you were a little to blunt with your words?” Felix turned his head to spot Jisung. He quickly moved his eyes away staring at his food suddenly not feeling hungry anymore. He shrugged turning back to his friend. “Not at all, I think it is crueller to let her deceive herself, to let her think that she is special, to let her think that Changbin actually has feelings for her. I might have just saved her from heartbreak.

_I am such an idiot… the one he likes is actually…._

Felix sat on his bed on one side of the white line, Changbin sat on his own bed on the other side of the white line. It was just the two of them, no girls. Just the two of them with no sound but the sound of the clocking ticking away slowly. Felix sat there staring out the window, deep in thoughts. “You are not listening to music tonight?” Changbin said suddenly, breaking the silence. Felix kept his stare on what was beyond the window. “There are no distracting noises, so there is no need.” He spoke with a monotone voice, not interested in a conversation with the man. It was another thing he learned from an early age on. If you spoke in a monotone voice and you did not show emotions people would not be interested in talking to you, and if people would not talk to you then they could not hurt you. If you show no feelings, you can pretend that you don’t have them.

“Speaking of distracting noises, why is she not here yet? She was so happy earlier when I asked her to come tonight.” Felix rolled his eyes. “She might have realized that you are just playing around with her and backed out.” He finally moved his eyes away from the window, grabbing his book from the nightstand before leaning back against the wall opening it. He spoke with confidence, it was fake confidence, but Changbin did not know that. “So, you knew I was meeting a girl here tonight?” Felix slightly stiffened at Changbin’s responds especially as the other moved to the edge of his bed closer to Felix. “Could it be that you said something to her?” Felix jolted slightly, swallowing the lump that was forming in his throat. “You bring a girl here every night, so I figured today would be no different.”

He hoped Changbin would drop the matter, but of course the older wouldn’t. “So, you did not talk to her, and tell her I was just playing with her feelings? She is in your class is she not?” Felix looked at Changbin a frown forming on his face. “Did you stop her from coming here, because you were… oh I don’t know… jealous, maybe? If so, you did not have to go behind my back, you could have just told me.” Felix his eyes widened as he dropped the book he was holding. As much as he could control his voice and his face, he could not control the blood flow to his head, turning it bright red. Changbin’s smile grew wider as he noticed the redness in Felix his face. “Do you dislike me for fooling around with girls?” Felix grew more and more agitated, he did not want to listen to Changbin his voice anymore, he did not want to hear his words anymore. Sometimes things should remain hidden, feelings should remain hidden.

Changbin had moved closer again, now standing on the white line. Felix looked up at him with fear in his eyes. “Shut up!” he first spoke softly, but when Changbin reached out, he could not keep silent anymore “SHUT UP! I AM NOT! I AM NOT JEALOUS!” He screamed, finally giving in to his emotions. “YOU BRING GIRLS HERE; YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH NO REGARDS TO ANYONE AROUND YOU!” He threw the book at Changbin making him take a step back from the white line. “I DON’T WANT TO PLAY THIS MESSED-UP GAME OF YOURS ANYMORE!” He felt tears in the corner of his eyes. How long had he been keeping his emotions inside, how long has it been since he allowed himself to feel anything? “Just leave me alone…” He finally added, almost a whisper. His breathing was heavy, all that build up frustration pouring out of him. His face was still red, but with anger not with shyness. He pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them and hiding his face. He did not want to see Changbin’s face anymore, he did not want to see the shocked expression the other was wearing.

After a few minutes of silence, of awkward tension that has never been there before, Changbin finally moved. Felix could hear him moving around the room. He heard the room open. “I’m sorry, if you are against me taking girls to the room you should have told me, I will make sure to meet them outside from now on.” Felix peaked out of his blankets, just as Changbin was looking at them. Their eyes met for a moment and neither of them moved. “I don’t want to play your messed-up game either… if only you could be honest.” With those words he left the room, closing the door behind him. Leaving Felix alone, alone again, staring at the door.

Felix moves his head back, hiding his face in his arms as the sobs came over him, his shoulders shaking lightly. He wanted to hide away from the world. He wanted to disappear


	8. Please Don't Leave Me

_I did not do anything wrong, it was not my fault  
Yet I am the one that feels this stabbing pain  
Always this pain_

_Maybe I should not have been so harsh  
Maybe I offended him  
maybe I shouldn’t have said that_

_What should I do?  
What if he hates me now  
What if he leaves me now_

_Don’t go  
Don’t leave me here alone  
Please, stay with me_

_No, he is gone,  
They all leave me.  
of course they leave me._

_Because everything I touch breaks  
Everyone I love dies_


	9. The Other Side

Changbin knocked on the door, waiting for a moment before it opened, revealing a very annoyed Hyunjin. “Can I crash here?” he said as a way of greeting, not waiting for a respond as he already moved past the other into the room. “No, you cannot! Why do you even need to crash here?”Changbin shrugged as he laid down on Seungmin’s bed, the owner of the bed ignoring them completely as he was studying at his desk. “We had a fight.” Hyunjin closed the door turning around to face Changbin. “Bad enough that you can’t even sleep in the same room? And you have to go and bother me” He sounded like he did not believe him, Changbin just shrugged in responds. Grabbing Seungmin’s body pillow and hugging it to make himself comfortable. Hyunjin rolled his eyes “Even if you had a fight, Don’t you have a waiting list of girls you can crash at? Go find one of them?” Hyunjin kept giving him annoyed looks. “Too much work…” He said, annoying Hyunjin even further. “Damn, they should see your true personality, I am sure most of them would run away.”

“Yes, I know… I am a terrible human being, just a horrible person.” Changbin said with a sarcastic tone, before laying back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He frowned, pain and anger, those words would describe what he felt. All of this was because of Felix, the game, the girls everything. He had noticed the way Felix had felt about him long ago, even though the man tried to hide it, he obviously had feelings for him, he was certain that the younger felt the same thing he felt. He had hoped that if he cornered the younger enough, he would finally give in and admit to them. He had tried everything from talking and sugaring up to the man, to do everything for him, to the point that he tried to make him jealous. But Changbin was reaching his limit.

“Why is it so hard to make him admit his feelings for me.” Changbin spoke, more to himself than to the others in the room. Seungmin glanced at Hyunjin who just shook his head. 

“Curfew will start soon and as much as I love you dude, I do not want to get detention just because you are fighting with your roommate, or worse get expelled because of you.” Changbin sat up ready to argue but before he could say anything, the two had grabbed him by the arms and thrown him out of the room. He had been there for only 10 minutes and the two had already thrown him out.

Changbin slowly made his way back to his own room. He did not care about curfew, it’s not like it was that strict anyways. The only reason Hyunjin wanted him out of the room is because he wanted to fuck his roommate. The two were good students during the day and rabbits during the night. When he reached his door, he just stood there. Pressing his forehead against it as he closed his eyes. His thoughts travelling to the man sitting on the other side of it. The way Felix looked, the way he smiled and moved. How he looked when he was sleeping, how deep his voice was. A sigh came off his lips as he touched the doorknob. He had never wanted anyone, but he wanted Felix. Even though he wanted the guy, he could not go on like this. He had to let Felix go. Then he could stop this façade of inviting girls to his room. If he stopped trying to get Felix, his attention then maybe he could return to the way he was. “What do you think you are doing out of your room at this hour?” Changbin opened his eyes, turning his head to face the dorm coordinator. “I just returned from the restroom.” He said as he opened the door, moving inside. The teacher following behind him to see if Felix was there. The guy was still sitting on his bed, in the same position as when Changbin had left.

The dorm coordinator left after peaking inside the room closing the door behind him. Changbin just stood there awkwardly in the middle of the room. It hurt to see the man he loved like that, broken and sad. He saw the small shakes in Felix his shoulders, the trembling of the man’s body. “They are checking if everyone is in their room, I’ll leave again when it’s over.” Felix tilted his head up, looking at Changbin. His eyes where puffy and red, the man had obviously crying. Felix his voice was soft but in the silence in the room, Changbin could hear him loud and clear. “And then you are going to some girls room again?” The silence was long, and the tension could be cut like a knife. Changbin rubbed the back of his neck letting out a sigh. “Probably… I need to sleep somewhere.”

Felix balled his fist, his nails forming little crescent shapes in his palms. His head moving down again, hiding his expression. It was silent again, and Changbin felt the weight of it crushing him. He stared at the clock on his phone, 5 minutes. They should have cleared the floor by now. He turned around, opening the door peeking out in the hallways to check if it was empty. “Don’t go.” The words were soft, muffled by his arms. Changbin turned around, staring at the younger on the bed, Felix his entire body was trembling, a trembling that sounded in his voice when he spoke again. “Please, don’t go.” It took Changbin a few seconds to recollect himself. He closed the door and crossed his arms. “By asking me not to go, what do you expect me to do?” He had just came to the conclusion that he would let the other go, and now Felix was asking for him to come back again. “Are we just going to be stuck in this endless cycle? You reject me first and then ask me to stay. You want me to remain here? By your side even after you reject me. Sorry but I can’t live with that. You said you won’t be playing my game anymore, that means I won’t be playing yours either.” Felix finally looked up, looked straight at Changbin. Changbin just looked back with a sad expression. He was hoping that Felix would say something, do anything. But the younger just sat there silently.

He let out a sigh and fell back on his own bed not in the mood to find a place to stay anymore. He was tired of his own feelings, of this cat and mouse game between them. Laying down, staring up at his own ceiling. He realised he was a fool. A fool for falling in love with Felix, falling in love with a guy that was so complicated. Why could Felix not just admit that he liked him, why could he not go with the flow. They could be happy together but instead he was rejected again and again. It did not matter what he did, good things or bad things. Felix would never admit to his feelings, Felix would never be his.


	10. I Love You

_I confined myself to my own world, never bothering to look around me. I thought I was the only one who was suffering._

_I was wrong_

Felix just looked at the male laying on the other bed. The words Changbin had spoken ringing in his ears. He had to make a decision, he knew Changbin loved him, if he could admit to his own feelings then they could be together. But if they were together, they would get hurt. Changbin would get hurt. Would he hurt more than he was hurting now? He was hurting him already, would he hurt more if he admitted his feelings, if he kissed and loved him, would Changbin hurt more than he was hurting now?

_“Please live a happy life.”_

The words sounded in the back of his mind. He had a decision to make, maybe he was already too late. But he wanted to live a happy life. Felix pushed himself of the bed, walking straight over the line that divided their room in two, the line that separated them, the line that they would never cross, the line that he put there because he did not want to break Changbin. He did not want Changbin to die. He put his hands on the other his shoulders, standing between his legs, his fingers trembling as he looked down, looked at his face. “I don’t want to let you go.” He spoke the words with honesty. He did not want to let the man go. He wanted to love him, but his love might kill him.

It took Changbin a moment to pull himself back together, not expecting this reaction from Felix. “Is that true YongBokkie?” Then what will you do? What will you do, to keep me here and away from those girls? He tried to sound confident, but he was scared. He finally had Felix where he wanted him, Felix finally made a move and admitted to his feelings. “What will you do now?”

**_*Yes, there will be smut now… so if you do not want to read it, only read the very last sentence of this chapter before moving on to the next. *_ **

Felix was biting on his lip as he looked down at Changbin’s face, his eyes travelled Changbin’s face, his eyes, his lips. He made his decision. “I will make sure you don’t need those girls anymore.” Felix saw the shock in his roommate’s eyes. He moved down on his knees, settling himself between Changbin his legs, his hand was still trembling as he moved it, stroking it over the man’s crotch. Felix swallowed, taking a deep breath before unbuttoning Changbin’s pants. His cheeks heating up as he moved a hand inside, not wasting any time in taking out the man’s length.

He was scared to look up and see Changbin’s face, he was scared to see the expression the man had. He just leaned down, wrapping his lips around the tip of the man’s length, giving it a little suck, his hand grabbing the base. He slowly pressed his lips further down, taking more of Changbin’s length in his mouth, bobbing his head a few times before letting go with a pop. A trail of saliva like a thread, between his lips and Changbin’s length, he leaned down dragging his tongue up the bottom. He moved his hand up and down, Changbin’s length grew harder and his breath heavier with every touch. One hand palming the sheets beside him, the other finding its way into Felix his soft hair. Felix wrapped his lips around his length again, bobbing his head faster while hollowing his cheeks. His hands pumping the places he couldn’t reach. He let Changbin’s length hit the back of his throat. The grip in his hair tightening, the older man turning into a moaning mess.

He felt how the hand in his hair pulled slightly, trying to pull him away. He let go of the man’s length with a pop before looking up with tear strained eyes. He thought he did something wrong, but Changbin looked back at him with lust filled eyes. Felix licked his lips his hair a mess, sitting on the floor between Changbin’s legs. His own length painfully hard in his pants. “Come here…” His voice was rough and husky as he pulled Felix up by his arms. Pushing him down on the bed. Changbin hovered over him, slowly unbuttoning the white shirt, his hands moving over the pale skin of Felix his chest. Teasing his hard nipples. He pressed soft kisses on Felix his chest, his hands moving down to make quick work of his pants and boxers. Only to move away when Felix was completely naked, laying beneath him, completely exposed.

He reached over to his nightstand, taking out a small pink bottle. Felix knew what it was, they used it once before. He let out a shaky breath, but he did not run. Instead, he wrapped his arms around the others neck, placing a soft kiss on his lips. Their eyes locked for a moment, and there it was, understanding, love. This was right, this was what he wanted. He wanted to be with Changbin.

Changbin who took the time to prepare him, who kissed him and teased him. Who asked him if it hurt and listened to his demands to go slower, to go harder, to go deeper. Changbin who grew more and more aroused with every sound that came out of Felix his mouth but held himself back until the man was ready. Pressing their lips together in a passionate kiss. He wanted to be inside the man, he wanted to have all of him. But Felix his whining became louder against Changbin’s lips, not of pleasure but of pain. When Changbin pulled back, he noticed the tears in the other his eyes.He pulled back, retracting his fingers. “I’m sorry… I did not mean to hurt you, to make you cry.” Felix shook his head, but the damage was done, Changbin had pulled back. He pushed Changbin back. “You are not hurting me…” he moved into Changbin’s lap. “I was scared… I am scared.” He moved his hand down holding the man’s length pumping it a few times. “That everything I touch breaks.” He lowers himself on the man’s length, holding onto Changbin’s shoulders until the man was completely buried inside of him. “That everyone I love dies.”

He leaned forward and kisses the other lips, his breathing heavy, trying to get used to the size that was not inside of him. “but no matter how scared I am.” He kissed the man’s lips again. “I still want to love you.” He leaned back wrapping his arms around Changbin’s neck, his hands moving into the man’s hair. “My love for you is stronger than my fear.” Changbin captured his lips pushing him down slowly until he was laying down beneath him. “I love you too…” Changbin whispers, against the skin of his neck. “Everything I did, everything I have done… was to get your attention. Was to get you to acknowledge me, acknowledge your own feelings.”

Felix wrapped his legs around the others waist, giving himself completely to the older. His moans growing louder with every thrust, his hands trying to hold onto the Changbin’s shoulders, scratching up his back. Their hips slowly moving together, becoming one. He felt Changbin’s lips on his skin, sucking, kissing, biting, marking him, claiming him. His thrust growing rougher, turning him into a moaning mess. Changbin’s hand wrapped around his length, pumping him in time with his thrust. He gave himself completely to the pleasure. He felt himself going over the edge, coming in Changbin’s hand at the same time as Changbin moaned his name, filling him up.

“Felix, I love you. I am sorry for hurting you…” was the last thing he heard before he passed out.


	11. Fear

_You don’t have to apologise  
Because you didn’t do anything wrong  
_ _They only thing you did was fall in love_

_You loved someone who was afraid  
_ _You love someone who is still afraid._

_I thought that everything I touch would break  
_ _I thought that everyone I loved would die  
_ _I thought that once I crossed that line everything would change_

_That’s why I was afraid  
_ _But maybe nothing will change  
_ _there is nothing to be afraid of  
as long as I have you by my side._

_Please stay by my side,  
_ _Please don’t leave me alone._


	12. The Truth

Felix opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling of his dorm room.

The first thing he noticed was the smell of the bed, it smelled like Changbin.

The second thing he felt was the pain in his body, his hips were hurting.

The third thing he remembered, was what happened the night before.

The door of his dorm opened and Changbin entered the room. He immediately moved to the bed when he noticed that Felix was awake. His hand gently pressing down on his forehead. “How are you feeling? Is your body alright?” His voice was so soft and gentle, a shiver went down Felix his spine. Changbin looked happy, a bit too happy for Felix his liking, considering he was the one whose body was in pain after that maniac was done with him. He gave the man a pout before pulling the blankets up hiding his face. He was embarrassed, everything he had done, the confession. He curled up in a ball, a sharp pain shooting through his hips. Changbin tried to pull the blankets back. “Wait… let me see your face, I want to kiss you. I thought we could finally be a lovely couple, you know waking up together, hugging, kissing… don’t tell me you turn shy now.” Felix pushed the blankets back, throwing a pillow at the man’s face before laying down again pulling the blankets back up to cover him.

“I have to go, my class starts in 20 minutes and I have an exam…” Changbin said with a pout in his voice, making Felix lower the covers. As soon as Felix his face is exposed Changbin pressed a kiss on his lips. “I love you…” Felix smiles and nods. There was something in his eyes, something Changbin could not place. “I will see you after class okay?” He said but Felix had pulled the covers back up over his head, falling back asleep.

Changbin laid down on his desk letting out a groan. He had been distracted during the entire exam. Last night Felix finally admitted to his feelings and that made him happy, finally he could make progress with him, but there was something in his eyes this morning. Something that worried him. Maybe it would be the same as the previous time, one night together and Felix would distant himself again. He checked the clock, 30 minutes before the next class, maybe he could quickly run by the dorm and check on him. He could make it, if he was quick. But before he could run to the dorm, Hyunjin sat down on the seat across from him.

Changbin suddenly remembered how the man had kicked him out of the room and crossed his arms. He opened his mouth to speak but Hyunjin held up his hand “I know you are angry that I kicked you out last night, but I can make it up with you.” Changbin raised an eyebrow, giving the man a disbelieving look. “Remember how you said that Felix did not want to admit to his feelings, and how you know he loved you back and all that bullshit.” Changbin wanted to tell the man that Felix admitted his feelings but the moment Hyunjin started rambling, it was difficult to get a word in between, and it seemed like he was well on its way today. “Well, I kind of felt bad for kicking you out, and you having to return to your dorm room. So, I did some digging to see if I could find more information on Felix. Do you remember Sana?”

This intrigued Changbin. If Hyunjin was good at anything other than being dramatic, it was finding out dirty information on people. “She is the pretty girl from Class 2-b is she not?” Hyunjin nodded. “Correct, but she also lived in the same neighbourhood as Felix and she was close friends with him and his neighbour. So, I asked her about them, and she told me some things, I think you will find interesting.”=

“Felix his neighbour was three years older than him, Sana told me that the two of them were always together. They would often go swimming together at the lake, one evening, on the boy’s sixteenth birthday they went swimming together, but they did not come home. The next morning when the parents found out they were not at the others house they went out looking for them. They found Felix alone at the beach, the other boy had drowned. They ruled it an accident, because the boys went swimming during the night.”

Changbin frowned opening his mouth to ask more but Hyunjin held up his hand. “The thing is Sana does not believe it was an accident. She thinks that Bang Chan killed himself. He was gay and was heavily bullied for it. They did terrible things to him; She said that Bang Chan was really good at hiding the bruises and always put on a brave face when he was around Sana and Felix, they only found out after his death.” Hyunjin reached out putting his hand on Changbin’s arm. “She also said that she believed that Felix and Bang Chan had feelings for each other. After Bang Chan’s dead, Felix changed. He stopped smiling, he stopped showing emotions. When he found out that the reason for his best friend’s death was that he was being bullied at school for being gay, Felix completely closed himself off from the world and all of his friends.”

“Shit…” He mumbled, thinking back at the words Felix had spoken the night before, the way he looked this morning. “Fuck…” He cursed again, quickly getting up from his chair and running back to the dorm.   
Felix his best friend was bullied for being gay. His best friend took his own life, and Felix was there to witness it.   
He thought back at the words Felix had spoken the night before  
 _“I am scared, that everything in touch breaks, that everyone I love dies.”_  
“I still want to love you…”  
He cursed again as he ran through the dorm room. It made sense now, so much made sense. If only Felix was there, if he wasn’t too late.

When he pulled the door of their dorm room open immediately noticing the emptiness. Panic went through his body as he thought again at the look in Felix his eyes that morning. “Shit.” He quickly left the dorm, quickly dialling Hyunjin’s phone number.“What beach??” He said as Hyunjin picked up the phone. “What?” He had no time for this, he quickly moved to the parking lot. “What beach did Bang Chan drown?” there was a silence as Hyunjin was thinking.“The Blue Beach, it’s a two-hour drive from campus…” Hyunjin went on but Changbin already put down the phone stuffing it in his pocket and getting on his bike. He could not explain why, but something inside of him told him that Felix was there. He just hoped that he was in time, that Felix did not do anything stupid.


	13. The End

Changbin took of his helmet still seated on his bike as he spotted a lone figure in the distance, sitting on a pair of rocks. He quickly parked his bike and made his way over. When he was close enough, he saw the tears on Felix his face, the sadness on his face as he stared at the ocean. He just sat down on a rock, not far away from him, looking at the man he loved.

It might have been minutes, it might have been hours, before Felix finally spoke. “How did you know I would be here?” Felix finally turned his attention to him and Changbin gave him a small smile, taking the acknowledgement as a sign he could move closer. Sitting down next to him. “Sana told Hyunjin about Bang Chan.” He figured it was better to tell the truth than to lie. “When you were gone, I felt like you would probably be here.” Felix nodded and turned his attention back to the ocean. He remained silent for another way. Changbin just sat next to him, giving Felix the time and space, he needed.

“I always looked up to him, my three-year older neighbour who always took care of me. I think I always loved him. Bang Chan was confident in everything that he did. He was smart in school and made music. I always thought that nothing could hurt him.” Changbin reached out a hand taking a hold of Felix his hand, holding it tightly. “I didn’t know… I thought everyone always looked up to him, that everyone saw what I saw. An amazing person that you could not help but admire” Tears started streaming down Felix his face. “I did not know he was struggling at school, that people bullied him. That they hurt him.” Felix turned to face Changbin “They hurt him because he liked men.” He felt anger in his own anger rising, squeezing Felix his hand. “They hurt him to the point he did not want to live anymore.”

Felix stared at their hands for a moment before turning his eyes back to the ocean. “That night, on his sixteenth birthday he told me he wanted to go swimming. We would often go swimming together. There is a freedom, when you are floating in the water. He said he wanted to be free.” Felix moved closer, pressing his body against Changbin’s. “He kissed me that night, for the first time. We kissed me in this spot. We stayed on the beach, talking almost until the sun came up again. Until I fell asleep. I still remember the last words he ever spoke to me. I’m sorry for loving you, please live a happy life” Felix his body was trembling, and he could guess what would come next. “When I woke up, he was gone. I walked around the beach trying to find him until my parents came to the beach looking for me. I did not want to go, I wanted to find him. His parents wanted to find him. When the tide came in, we found his body. At first, I was angry, angry at him for kissing me, for making me love him and then leaving me, for just giving up on his life. I was angry at myself, if I had not fallen asleep, then maybe he would still be here. Why did I fall asleep?”

The two remained silent staring at the ocean. A tear fell down Changbin’s cheek as he held a crying Felix close to his body. After a long time, Felix spoke again. “After his death, the truth of what happened at his school came out, how they bullied him, what they had done to him. The bruises where still on his body. They hurt him because he loved me, because he loved a man. When his parents found out they blamed me, they said it was all my fault. I was still angry, but not at him, I was angry at myself, because it was my fault, I fell asleep, I was the person he loved. I was angry at the people who hurt him to the point of not wanting to live anymore. Who could do something like that? The only flaw they found in him was loving a man… why is loving another man a flaw… it is love is it not?”

Felix turned to look at him. “He apologised for loving me… I should have apologize for loving him. After what happened to Chan, I became afraid. I loved him back, does that mean the same will happen to me. After what happened, everything I touched would break. I could not show my emotions because then they would hurt me, like they hurt him. I would live for Chan, I would be happy, but I was like him. I thought I would never fall in love again.”

“Then I met you…”

Changbin looked at him, pressing a soft kiss to Felix his forehead. “I was afraid, to fall in love with a man, to fall in love with you. I thought we needed a line to divide our life’s, so I held on to that white line in the middle of the room. If we each stayed on our side of the line, then no one would get hurt. What happened to Chan would not happen again. It would not happen to you, they would not hurt you, I would not lose someone I love again. Even if I could only love you from a distance, at least you would be happy… but you made it impossible to stay away.”

Changbin smiled softly, opening his mouth for the first time since he sat down next to the man he loved. “Bang Chan would not want you to be unhappy, that you have to hide your true self, your emotions. He would have wanted you to find happiness, for you to be accepted in a way he never was.” Felix smiled at him. “Do you accept me? Love me?” Changbin smiled, giving a kiss on his forehead before standing up, moving to the edge of the ocean.

“Bang Chan, hereby I promise you; I will look after him for you, take care of him and will do everything within my power to make him happy. I am sorry we never met, but I promise that I will protect what you love, because he is someone I love as well.”

He turned back to see Felix, wrapping the younger in his embrace.

“You are not alone anymore; I will never leave you.”


	14. Author Note

Hello and thank you for reading my story.

I actually wrote this story while I was supposed to be studying for a very important exam next week

oops…

Anyways I have been doubting a lot if I should share it,  
It is quite a heavy object and I am scared my writing did not do the story justice. 

In the end I did want to share this story with those who want to read it. I also wanted to just upload it weekly and see what the reactions where before completely putting it on there and then i just thought fuck it here you... my exam week present to everyone else struggling to go through exams now. 

Please let me know what you think.


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